We took Adia to the beach again yesterday, so she could feed her rock-throwing addiction. After a solid hour of throwing rocks in the water (she didn't even quit when we offered her smores) she started chasing a seagull. "Look Daddy!" she said. "Duck!"

"Yeah, honey, a duck!" I said. I didn't want to disillusion her by explaining that it was actually a trash-eating flying rat. Luckily we didn't get too close or the seagull might have started swearing at her.

I hate vampires. This was a nice gift from Guide to Literary Agents back when I was agenting, to keep people from sending me faux cool black leather motorcycle sexy hanging out on streetcorners undead wanker stories and I want all those supposedly cool sexy vampires to go fall on a forest of sharpened stakes. Wankers.

But I am writing a novel with vampires in it. In my defense, they are all really ugly.

Here's a rough sample from the novel in which my main character, Jane, who is half-vampire, is faking her way through a confessional with an Irish vampire priest. Jane has never learned anything about her father, who is a vampire.

"Oh, I've had evil thoughts, sir. Many evil thoughts about men. Even about the gnome back there, and about trolls, and about--"

"Have ye acted on these thoughts?"

"They are such evil thoughts!" Jane said, rattling on, trying to keep it just boring enough but constant enough that he might drop off. "I think evil thoughts about badgebear men, Father. About their fur. I want to do--things with their fur! And--"

"Child, ye've been too hard on yourself," the priest said. "Our Lord the divvil has said many a time that 'tis no sin to be curious. But know that to fraternize with another, in a carnal manner other than devouring the innards, is a sin against Our Lord who has forbidden mixing."

"Really?" Jane asked. "It's forbidden for a vampire to mix with another?"

"Child, have you not been a-reading your Black Bible?"

"Not reading that is also a sin I am guilty of," Jane said. "I am so ashamed. Tell me about vampires mixing, Father. Tell me the words of the Black Bible, please."

"Well, the good Daemon Gurgus says it right there, he does, in the book of the Slurping of the Legions, and again in the book of the Gnawing of the Emperor's Liver. Vampires are a solitary people, the only true servants of the divvil, and to mix would be to deny that commandment." A curious edge came into his voice. "Are ye truly half-human, as they said?"